I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angelas, U. C. L. A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage the bride got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-Flat Miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
In between terrorizing me, my slippers, anything with bells, poor bugs that fly into our apartment and sleeping on my hair, Gus has a few favorite activities. I will take you through our normal routine.
1. Sometime between 4:00am-6:00am:
This is when Gus decides to be cute, cuddly and purry. He will rub into my face, with his little motor going and start to knead my hair. While I love this part of his, I prefer to get my last hour or two of sleep before work. This kneading into the scalp usually comes with a few meows to be let out of the bedroom to use the litter box.
Shower time. As I shower, Gus plays in the curtain, either nearly tearing it off, (and for those who have seen my shower curtain, he loves the pink poofs). Or he will watch intently at the water droplets. On more than one occasion he has actually showered with me, not minding the water or me scrubbing him with shampoo at all.
As I blow dry my hair he sits on the counter and plays a game of chasing the moving cord. I battle back by blasting hot air at him. This however, usually only excites him more.
Getting dressed is usually impaired by him terrorizing any string or moving object as I clothe myself. Also, in route from bathroom to bedroom and vice versa he sits behind the corners and flies up to attack my leg as I walk by (this attack usually continues into the kitchen, living room, as well as all through the evening)
Makeup. This is probably his favorite time of day due to the variety and assortment of toys (aka my makeup) to play with. His favorites include a small brush and q-tips. Most mornings, if I am running late, I throw a q-tip at him to fend him off my other items. This is now when Gus realizes I will be leaving him for the day, and once again, goes into cute purry mode. This includes rubbing against me and placing his paws up on me to smell my face. While this is cute and all, it usually makes a me later now that I must use a hair remover sticky thing (what are those called?)
As I run around to gather my purse, keys, phone and some breakfast, Gus continues with his stealth to hide around corners with the amusement of flying (you should see the height and distance he can go!) at my moving body parts. This also includes the battle of the door. He has been taught not to bolt out the door, but he still believes anything moving=a game. So now, from squishing him under the door, my foot goes into extra battle mode to shove him away and detach him from door and my foot while trying to hold everything and close the door behind me. After I lock both locks (these must be done from the outside) I walk towards the stairs. Faithfully, every morning I hear the one final attack to the door as I reach the top of the stairs. This makes me smile as I head to my car.
Depending I errands, I arrive home in the evenings to two kitties waiting faithfully at the door. (My guess is that they hear the first lock and coming running in time for me to struggle with the second and open the door). They sit there with puffy eyes, obviously had just woken up from a 8 + hour nap. This begins the evening battle with the door, trying to get in. While Gus does not run out the door, Bootsie does have a history of it (and of me coaxing her out from under a bush for 40 minutes straight). While you may think "awww, they missed you" this is not the case. It is dinner time. While there is plenty of food left in the bowls, asking the question "Are you hungry?" always starts a new level of battle. While the attacking around the corner reaches new levels, Bootsie is now involved as well. Sometimes, these attacks at me happen to land on her, which is always entertainment for me. So while tripping over two meowing kitties who are battling for my attention I give them each of spoonful of wet food over their dry. You would think I never feed them. Bootsie wolfs down the wet food then goes to the balcony to clean herself. Gus, sometimes waiting patiently, most of the time not, waits for Bootsie to either finish her spoonful or wait for her to be so annoyed by Gus checking out her foodbowl that she feels it is not worth it. While I try to intervene most of the time by shoving Gus away from Bootsie, it is constantly a losing battle.
Time for my dinner. Which of course Gus wants to be involved in. It bothers him that he cannot see onto the counter to what I am doing so he runs around to the table and either jumps on the table, and just recently, has started jumping on the counter. Once I flinch in his direction to scold him he tears away to a bedroom. This happens a few times. Sometimes, I just hold him on my left hip as his feet dangle below his ever-growing body. This is his favorite position, just hanging there. He is utterly content and comfortable and is in full view of everything I am doing. While this slows my cooking time down tremendously, sometimes it saves me a lot of trouble. If I not chasing him off the table then I am dragging him out of the fridge, yet another favorite place.
You would think I never feed the kitty. He is climbing all over me to get a tiny scrap, especially if I cooked chicken. This encourages Bootsie to see what all the fuss is about. Now I have two kitties wanting to eat my food. As you can imagine, this takes a while to eat.
As I am a loser and grandma these days, I really do not do much during the week besides taking a walk or jogging outside. So while I relax and cuddle on the couch, this is when Gus goes nuts. Most times, I give him a ball with a bell inside (thank you sooooo much for sending those Mom, he absolutely loves them, as do I!) which entertains him for a good 1-2 hours. Although I do have to listen to a bell ringing around during this time, it is worth it. Some other entertainment that are amoung Gus' favorites: the blinds, the nosier the better; chasing his reflection in the sliding glass doors; my slippers; my hand, arm, leg, etc; Bootsie, which usually I have to mediate; bugs; invisible bugs; shadows, especially his own; his tail, always a classic; the flashlight, I have yet to buy a laser but I know he will go nuts with one; the indoor plant; the outdoor plant; etc. These are just a few of them.
11. Getting ready for bed
Since this involves the bathroom, Gus is again in terror mode. This time it usually involves unrolling the entire roll of toliet paper all over the floor. Or chasing a bead that was once attached to a dress of mine (he had a good time taking that off). Then the sink will be turned on. He blasts up to the counter, of which I must always close the lid to the toliet because he has flown in their more than once. This starts a new game, running water. While literally standing in the sink playing with the running water, Gus also drinks the water, like a dog would out of a hose.
Since I usually like to read before I go to sleep, Gus plays with his nighttime toy, my book. The changing of pages is his favorite part. Or my moving feet/toes/hands, especially if they are under the covers. Or the lamp, which has been knocked over more than once. While his shadow blocks the light onto my book, he seems obsessed with this source of light/heat. This is normally when the ball with the bell comes out again. As I switch off the lamp and fall asleep to the tinkle of bells, I look forward to when he will be my cuddly baby, in a few hours.